A little over a year ago I was dialing in for a yearly review call with my manager. The call started with a regular "How are you"? And there, I let myself be authentic and go beyond "Fine, good good, and you?" and I have answered that I was not so well. I could not anymore I felt that huge stone in my throat and I could not swallow it anymore, I had to take it out. I officially went down sick with burnout. I felt terrible for letting my hard-working camarades down in the storm of the year-end closing and having been through so many changes in the department I really did not want to be a cause for another disappointment for them. Yet, I really could not carry that stone. It was really clear that I was not able to connect to the Teams meetings nor go through another Excel spreadsheet.
I took the decision to leave the company after 10 years of learning, going through mergers, reorganisations and ups and downs. It has been one of the most stable parts of my life for such a long time. Yet, letting go of that stability and jumping off this cliff now, looking back has been one of the best decisions I´ve taken in my entire life.
I was lucky to have support among the close ones and I could breathe for a while. I took the time for self-reflection, enrolled in courses that dragged my attention and I trusted the things would work out. I entered the new year with manifestations thanks to my Dear friend who gifted me a beautiful journal I was held accountable for the intentions and goals as they were written on a piece of paper.
The year has not finished yet and all the intentions are already materialised!
If it is not for trust in oneself then what?
The experiences of this year were so enriching, letting me grow and nothing close to being similar to what I did in the past. Taking the vegan cooking course in Sweden brought me back to the emotions of a child. Simply, effortlessly enjoying the play. Besides the course being very well structured and having a clear curriculum for me personally there were no goals, deadlines, to dos nor duties, I was just there, enjoying, making the shift in my way of thinking - from I can not do anything other than business controlling to why not? What is the worst that can happen? Let me try and enjoy! and there, with this approach, I ended the course by winning the final Master Chef challenge and got offered to work as a chef at Angsbacka community. Again, I had no idea what exactly I was signing up but I had a strong internal call that this was something I should be doing. I could not believe that I was choosing to live in a tent, in the forests of Varmland. But soon enough I understand why the opportunity opened the door to cultivate my inner call to serve and nourish others. Over the summer we continuously cooked for festivals and camp days for groups from 300 to 1000 people. The atmosphere was incredible, I loved every single day going to that kitchen.
From this, I have gained the perspective that we can do so many different things and develop new skills or find some hidden ones under the carpet if only we look beyond the standard schematics.
Why did I leave if everything was so great one might ask? I was missing my wonderful partner. We reunited after 5 months of a long-distance relationship with that freshness of fresh new lovers and embarked on an eventful trip to France to continue gathering the inspiration for looking even more into the “alternatives”.
Spending time in the mountains and joining the French Ecovillage festival gave us so many ideas for the future where I am convinced the culinary world will meet business organization mindset and blossom in something which does not have a full shape yet.
OK, but you might be thinking is this not just running away from the original problem? Doing too much all at once? Will it not lead to another burnout?
Well, I did make sure to be mindful of that and concluded the travels and being away from home with 10 days of meditation in silence.
Where again I learn to continue trusting myself, life, and the Universe?
I am not writing this to first pitty myself next brag or make anyone jealous. I am writing it to share an authentic story, that might get somebody's attention exactly at that moment of feeling down, hitting rock bottom, and seeing no more light, I was there and I remember how it felt too. Now, I also know how it feels to rise from the bottom and see the beauty. I am convinced that there was a little spark that ignited this light in me. May this post be a light spark for you.
With Love,
Balbi
How lovely! We're so looking forward to having you cook for members of Vegans Social Group Algarve in Portugal very soon! Good luck with your future as a vegan chef! Lorna Aspin Admin Vegans Social Group Algarve